You sat in the middle of the room. Surrounded by people. A guru to us all. Many considered you a dear friend. Wrapped in your blanket on this sunny day. There were too many. I stood outside. I felt something was wrong. Only got to touch your shoulder as you sat there princess like. All the fuss going on a round you for your 70th. It was a Saturday.
Later when all the cake had gone a handful stood around.
You got up from your room. The birds were calling you, you said.
And then you were gone. I heard the news on Monday. There would be no class, no follow on. No weekly gathering. Everything had changed. You were the glue to the whole gathering of a week ago. And now the glue was gone.
I danced with the bears when they scattered you in Tokai.
I thank you for shining the light.
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
I recognised the anxiety straight away
The nervousness. The slight hurry in everybody’s step. The frantic darting looks for the loo. The anticipation. I was surprised to find them so strong, so overwhelming and I had not missed them in two years.
Sunday morning I stood at the start of the Hohenhort 15km road race. In fact this was probably the last race I did many moons ago. How would it feel this time around?
The loop through the leafy suburb is a funny one, lots of hills and twists and turns. I started way back in the field. I was not here to race just to do a long run and see how things went.
At the end we had come full circle, back to where we came from under two hours ago and back to where I was years previously. What changed?
Certainly the streets were the same. Many fellow runners seemed the same (though I enjoyed running with three folks I don’t often have a chance to run with) it was I who had changed, I had come full circle.
I realised that this was more true than a linear progression we like to believe in. I was back where I had been before, well almost. But yet I felt different.
I had grown. I wondered about how many New Years resolutions had been swept under the bed already. How many dreams had been given up? Unreachable.
How it all seemed so impossible. Impossibly hard.
If these cycles were true then maybe our approach to achieving goals should be different from our linear approach. If the finish line is back at the start then what is the point.
Well that is the point exactly.
Maybe we can look rather at the next micro cycle and see “What I can I do today?”
“What can I achieve today, that maybe I could not do yesterday?” or
“Can I do something slightly better today than I did it yesterday?”
Because I know I will be back at the start tomorrow and the next day and the next. I can start again.
But start I must.
I am reading Chris Froome’s book right now. The hours and days he spends by himself turning the wheels. Again and again. Each one building. Unraveling the carpet until it gets easier. Until it builds momentum.
But starting the momentum going is not easy.
Our brain wants short term gain for long time sacrifice. We need the equation to go the other way around. This is true in all areas in our lives. Diet, exercise, career, self discipline.
Sunday I ducked under the tape in the finish chute before we got to the coke. I felt no need to replenish what I had not lost.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
I actually don’t need that much when I know I am coming back to the start. Day after day, week after week, 23 day cycle after 23 day cycle.
(A couple of nights before I did not sleep very well. It was full moon. Lunatic.)
The transition to the New Year has had its bumps. Too much compromise, too much eating other people’s snacks.
“It is not what we eat between Christmas and New Year that makes us, it is what we eat between New Year and Christmas that makes the difference.” said my wife.
And so I set myself a challenge of 33 days to eat clean. 100% clean. No deviation. I falter, I start again. Simple. I am keeping a log. It is not the only thing I am keeping a log of.
A record, a record of honesty. Of where I am. When I know where I am I can build. Slowly.
Slowly build momentum.
I came across this quote by Regina Brett over the weekend “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”
The tendency with holidays (or weekends for that matter) is that we veg. We drink just enough coffee to make it to the couch and then surf – channels. We are a victim to our OWN free time. Why is this?
Maybe we are actually a victim to our non-free time. Those five days between weekends. We feel powerless to affect the outcome of our day. We tend to float along for 9h on a stream of our master’s tide. Not caring to change much, watching minutes tick by until we are free. But strangely the cycle continues. We drown our sorrows in craft beverage and then deal with the hang over the next day with a cup of the black stuff. (Please can you add enough sugar and milk to make this lifestyle palatable?) How can we call this living?
The truth is that in the 9X5 cycle we are training ourselves to be victims. Victims to the man (whoever that is in your life, whoever you make him to be)
What if I did more than just show up?
How is that even possible?
Every morning I have a choice. I have a choice to wake up or call in sick. Yes both have consequences. Maybe I can choose my consequence? I have a choice in what breakfast I eat. I have a choice to make between instant gratification and future health. Either which way I have a choice. I choose to wear an ironed shirt. This is not expected or even suggested in an industry which revers “lifestyle” but I make that choice. I choose to dress up. Every single day. I choose how I want to shape my day. I am making a habit. I don’t get it right all the time but at least I try.
Having made that choice I show up. The choice to get up and create my day. Sometimes it is as small as being positive, other days I have grander plans. At least I have a plan.
Where in your life are you a victim?
Where in your life do you choose?
Carols and various other hymns are well on their way to getting us in the mood. Christmas is only a few weeks away and we are all in dread.
So why is that?
Why is this time of cheer so stressful for most of us?
Most office parties are a time of too much booze, getting too cozy with the secretary and laughing at the bosses bad jokes. But that is just the overture for the main course come end December.
Well the aunt with the hairy chin is waiting for her kiss (it seems like she has been waiting 11 months already). We have to spend money on silly Secret Santa for people we don’t see for another year. We hang out with long lost family who we don’t actually like all that much. I wonder if the feeling is mutual.
We eat and drink way over our limit.
And on top of it all we should be joyful throughout this whole ordeal.
No wonder this all takes its toll on us and we suffer this hangover in Jan. Financially, physically and emotionally.
So what is happening that this time of joy is often a time of great stress?
We fall prey to group pressure to act outside of what is true to us. This pressure is huge, supported by family, religion, friends and the Jones’s. Then if we have kids we they are targeted by big business through advertising which has been building for months.
So what to do?
Christmas is not all bad and some traditions can be good fun (as they should be). My point is we can’t blame anybody but ourselves if we feel out of sorts during this time.
We need a really good understanding of what works for us. What our boundaries are. Sure some of our boundaries can be flexible during this time but unless we have a good idea of what they are we then don’t know which ones we can be flexible with and which ones not.
For example if drink does not make me feel so good I have the choice. Drinking ‘just one beer’ often leads to consuming more. Knowing this and knowing what works allows us to choose for ourselves what we want. We can then either drink that one beer and run the risk of sliding into more or to bring our own bottle of sparkly juice to that family braai. That is your choice. Each choice has a consequence but at least by making a choice you can choose the outcome. This does require active engagement though. And that is what most of us lack. We think we can just float along and be happy. Sorry to burst your bubble. Happiness requires active engagement with our lives and that takes work.
The other problem is that so many things are unspoken and left unspoken around this time of year.
“Last year we had Christmas with his parents, this year it has to be with mine” is just one example.
Rather than leave these traditions unspoken and for everybody to make their assumptions around them: put them out in the open.
If we say how it is for us we allow others to hear us. Maybe just maybe they have the same opinion around some silly traditions.
So where do I start?
Feelings and emotions are a good start. If something gives you a funny feeling in your stomach then that is a good indicator. Just like an indicator in the car, it gives you some good ideas as to something going on. It maybe should give you an indication as to a recommended change of direction. Maybe, just maybe we should pay attention to those indicators and actively engage in our lives.
And here’s to a merry festive season!
Well what does that actually mean?
What standard are we judging John against?
Does it not beg the question “What are your values?” Or better still “What do you value?” “Where do you place value?”
Maybe it is worth thinking about.
What you might just find is that you value things differently to your peers or even closest friends. You might even value different things. So what does this tell us?
It might just reveal our individuality, our uniqueness to some degree.
By asking somebody what they value you are really asking them what makes them unique. How it really is for them.
Maybe, just maybe we see some overlaps and that is where we see commonality, community, humanity…
But let’s not forget within our community we are all individuals with slightly different values and that is the way it should be. Both can be celebrated. Maybe they should be celebrated in ourselves and others.
Values can change and that is OK.
“What do you value today?”
I started doing breathing exercises a few months ago. Every morning.
First thing in the morning. To get my day started the right way. While everybody is still asleep.
The basics are pretty easy. It is called Square Breathing.
Breathe in for the count of seven. Hold your breath for the count of seven. Exhale for the count of seven. And finally hold for the count of seven. Repeat. Seven cycles.
I was keen and wanted to prove that I could do it. However reality was quick and humbling. I started with a count of four. I got distracted often. More often than not actually. Almost always I lost my track somewhere along the line. Thoughts took over my mind while I counted in the dark.
I persist. Not because I have got it right but because precisely I have not. I persist. That is the point. I am slowly getting better. More consistent. Less distracted. More focused.
It has taken months and will continue as do I. For actually I have no choice. I must get better.
I take breathing pretty much for granted, maybe you do too. Why not spend a little time every day doing it consciously?