Tag Archives: life

In a garden as in life

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IMG_4839I walked in my garden yesterday. I noticed some early spring buds pushing through.

A tree grows a millimetre at a time. A leaf unfolds little by little. A great gardener trims a little here, a little there. All relative to what is in front of him. He deals with reality. Takes an action then steps back and observes the effect before deciding on the next step. To do it any other way would result in a mess.

We however set lofty goals. Goals that stretch us. (remember the slogan “If a goal does not scare you then it is not worth having as a goal” or something like that). Often these goals are just out of reach, just that little bit too far. We tell ourselves that this is cool. Certainly our friends applaud us for this.

We become over committed publically and personally, (sometimes financially even) and hence we resort to shortcuts. Take running races for example. We overtrain because race day is just around the corner. We take pain killers because we are not up to the task.

Is it not better to look at what is and consider the next step, whatever that may be.

Thanks to James Clear for your inspiration here

Thoughts on the dead and the living

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I:

“I made endless cups of tea. 

for visitors

for me

faces familiar

names forgotten

should have remembered

they were not there for me but for him, for themselves?

a moment alone

I promised

to myself

to look after his youngest

not sure if he heard

it’s not about me. 

 

I made endless cups of tea for anybody who would drink

too polite to decline

they cried on my shoulder 

in the second row”

 

II:

“Do you live for the living or for the dead?” I asked myself.

We lit a candle instead of going to church to mourn with the others, left behind.

I said I should go, for them, not for him, not for me. Is that a good enough reason?

For me, for you?

I celebrate in my thoughts your life and the positive influence it has had. Has.

But when that is gone then maybe it is time to move on.

Not dwell on the past, the what if’s, the what could have been’s, the if only’s.

To celebrate what we have right now.

Sometimes that includes sorrow.

But that is fleeting.

 

 

Swimming – A case for Life Coaching

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swimSix years ago I could not swim. Well actually I thought I could swim. To my best knowledge I could do it.
‘I certainly was not as good as those pros but I can swim’ I kept telling myself. 
I had learnt from my dad who had learnt in the Namibian desert. Go figure.
He called it farm dam swimming: breast stroke with your head well above the water line. ‘What is the problem?’ I thought.
I was in my mid 30’s when I started dating a swimmer and was exposed to a whole bunch of ‘pro’ swimmers. Guys and girls who were successful and did tumble turns and all that.
Suddenly what I had been trying to wish into reality (that I could in fact swim) was shown up for the illusion that it was.
The problem with people who are good at something however is that they often don’t know how to pass that knowledge on.
So I sought the help of a coach. Somebody who had studied how to teach. The Total Immersion drills felt awkward at first and it took  me ages to master them. I studied notes, got videos, watched on line…
In fact after the initial weekend intro course I religiously practised at the Sea Point Pavilion.
I did not have access to any other pool as I was not a gym bunny so logistics were an issue.
One afternoon at the start of winter Ryan Stramrood and some of his ‘pro’ buddies arrived in the lane next to mine. I was super excited to share the pool with real heroes who had swum The English Channel and stuff. My excitement did not last very long after I got out of the water as I got quite hypothermic on the drive home due to the cold.
I migrated to warmer waters at the Long Street Baths before I finally got a Virgin Active membership. At this stage I was still just doing drills. Not real swimming. I can’t remember when I actually managed to swim a whole length of the pool non stop. I was ecstatic and I was determined.
I knew this was the way. The only way for me to get it right. I would come home and proudly state that I had done 20 lengths, then 30, then 40. The point is I made progress. I was working on technique quite hard and just generally relaxing in the liquid environment. I was working on the skills that allowed me to progress. The same way building a foundation looks pretty boring and unimpressive until at some point the concrete sets and the walls shoot up above the ground. So too there was a time when that was not enough. I would have to work on fitness. Finally I joined squad. I was put in the slow lane, next to the wall. This was quite welcome as I could grab it in panic.
The point is I slowly improved and Viv gave me great pointers. My swimming volume increased dramatically and a new norm was laid.
I started doing the Clifton Mile and got comfortable in the sea. with a wet suit of course. The point is I was trying to become a triathlete so there was no need to endure the cold.
I sought out Neil Macpherson’s endless pool of hell. The drills he gave me lifted my stroke like nothing else. If you want to ever bring yourself down to reality then I can highly recommend a splash with Neil. The drills WILL lift your game if your ego can take the beating that is.
Learning is all about accepting where you are at and having the determination to improve from there, no matter how small the improvement. As long as you are going in the right direction, you are going in the right direction. Those improvements stick.
One of the first triathlons I did was in Durbanville at the start of winter. The ‘warm up’ was a disaster as it had the opposite effect. The water was far too cold. Finally we swam our one lap and I got out the water and promptly fell over as I was not accustomed to the change in body position. Ear plugs sorted that out. They were a crutch that I used willingly but deep down inside I knew that I would have to learn to cope without them at some point. many years later I left them behind too.
We were well on our way to training for the BIG DANCE when we did a training weekend in Fisherhaven. The swim across the lagoon was supposed to be 2 – 3km in total. It turned out to be that distance to half way! The worst was I swam by myself. It was not fun to be left way behind by my wife and paddler at the time but the lesson was a good one. If I could survive that then I would survive the swim at Ironman.
Each new level of competence brings a plateau. We have the choice to enjoy it and wallow or challenge ourselves to a new level, whatever form that may take. As we gain more competence we have the option to learn new things and constantly be challenged. Or we stagnate.
I am not singling out any one intervention as a game changer. It was putting the right thing in at the right time. The  fact that my stimulus was just the right intensity every step of the way led me to cope with each challenge rather than hit overwhelm.
I could not have gotten to where I am now if it had not been for a coach (or every single coach I have had actually) to guide and steer me in the right direction. Constantly giving insight and reflection. I took everything on board and took what I could use and discarded what I could not.
[I still remember being asked to practice tumble turns on the lawn. At the time a stimulus too far (by no fault of my coach at the time!!) I just hate water up my nose and as such I don’t tumble turn.]
What if we embraced the same growth mindset in life issues? How much better could we perform? Who do you have to reflect you accurately, to point out areas of improvement, to push, to prod?
Post script:
I am now swimming in lane 2 with Gary. He still gives me pointers in more sessions than not. I know where I am at and I continue to seek. I know I am on a plateau with swimming. I am OK with that only because I am doing huge growth in other areas of my life. I will get back to actively looking at my stroke in the future. There is no rush.
Now when we get a warm up of 40 lengths it is not something completely out of the ordinary.

But actually life demands more!

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I came across this quote by Regina Brett over the weekend “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”

The tendency with holidays (or weekends for that matter) is that we veg. We drink just enough coffee to make it to the couch and then surf – channels. We are a victim to our OWN free time. Why is this?

Maybe we are actually a victim to our non-free time. Those five days between weekends. We feel powerless to affect the outcome of our day. We tend to float along for 9h on a stream of our master’s tide. Not caring to change much, watching minutes tick by until we are free. But strangely the cycle continues. We drown our sorrows in craft beverage and then deal with the hang over the next day with a cup of the black stuff. (Please can you add enough sugar and milk to make this lifestyle palatable?) How can we call this living?

The truth is that in the 9X5 cycle we are training ourselves to be victims. Victims to the man (whoever that is in your life, whoever you make him to be)

What if I did more than just show up?

How is that even possible?

Every morning I have a choice. I have a choice to wake up or call in sick. Yes both have consequences. Maybe I can choose my consequence? I have a choice in what breakfast I eat. I have a choice to make between instant gratification and future health. Either which way I have a choice. I choose to wear an ironed shirt. This is not expected or even suggested in an industry which revers “lifestyle” but I make that choice. I choose to dress up. Every single day. I choose how I want to shape my day. I am making a habit. I don’t get it right all the time but at least I try.

Having made that choice I show up. The choice to get up and create my day. Sometimes it is as small as being positive, other days I have grander plans. At least I have a plan.

Where in your life are you a victim?

Where in your life do you choose?

Merry Merry

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Carols and various other hymns are well on their way to getting us in the mood. Christmas is only a few weeks away and we are all in dread.

So why is that?

Why is this time of cheer so stressful for most of us?

Most office parties are a time of too much booze, getting too cozy with the secretary and laughing at the bosses bad jokes. But that is just the overture for the main course come end December.

Well the aunt with the hairy chin is waiting for her kiss (it seems like she has been waiting 11 months already). We have to spend money on silly Secret Santa for people we don’t see for another year. We hang out with long lost family who we don’t actually like all that much. I wonder if the feeling is mutual.

We eat and drink way over our limit.

And on top of it all we should be joyful throughout this whole ordeal.

No wonder this all takes its toll on us and we suffer this hangover in Jan. Financially, physically and emotionally.

So what is happening that this time of joy is often a time of great stress?

We fall prey to group pressure to act outside of what is true to us. This pressure is huge, supported by family, religion, friends and the Jones’s. Then if we have kids we they are targeted by big business through advertising which has been building for months.

So what to do?

Christmas is not all bad and some traditions can be good fun (as they should be). My point is we can’t blame anybody but ourselves if we feel out of sorts during this time.

We need a really good understanding of what works for us. What our boundaries are. Sure some of our boundaries can be flexible during this time but unless we have a good idea of what they are we then don’t know which ones we can be flexible with and which ones not.

For example if drink does not make me feel so good I have the choice. Drinking ‘just one beer’ often leads to consuming more. Knowing this and knowing what works allows us to choose for ourselves what we want. We can then either drink that one beer and run the risk of sliding into more or to bring our own bottle of sparkly juice to that family braai. That is your choice. Each choice has a consequence but at least by making a choice you can choose the outcome. This does require active engagement though. And that is what most of us lack. We think we can just float along and be happy. Sorry to burst your bubble. Happiness requires active engagement with our lives and that takes work.

The other problem is that so many things are unspoken and left unspoken around this time of year.

“Last year we had Christmas with his parents, this year it has to be with mine” is just one example.

Rather than leave these traditions unspoken and for everybody to make their assumptions around them: put them out in the open.

If we say how it is for us we allow others to hear us. Maybe just maybe they have the same opinion around some silly traditions.

So where do I start?

Feelings and emotions are a good start. If something gives you a funny feeling in your stomach then that is a good indicator. Just like an indicator in the car, it gives you some good ideas as to something going on. It maybe should give you an indication as to a recommended change of direction. Maybe, just maybe we should pay attention to those indicators and actively engage in our lives.

And here’s to a merry festive season!

Gradient: the secret to learning

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We were made to walk up stairs the other day. First one step at a time then back down. Then two steps at a time, back down. All in a long snake we walked, round and round. Some of us managed four, some had to grab onto the hand rail to manage, others gave up… I happen to have long legs so I managed 5 steps at a time, just. (I am not saying this to brag just that in this particular situation I have an advantage.)

Now I am not sure if I hurt my hip…

That there is gradient at its finest.

We all want to grow and improve (for the sake of this argument let’s call taking more steps improvement).

The thinking goes that if we are not improving then we are going backwards. Mainly because the world is growing around us so we need to do something to keep up. (Humor me for a moment here.)

Compared to whom?

We all run races, get marks at school, compare salary packages and compare cars. The problem with races is that ultimately there can only be one winner and by extension everybody else is a loser. OK marketing has sold us that you too can be a winner “in your age group” or that 50% is still a pass. But ultimately we are comparing ourselves to the dude who gets 7 A’s. (Is that even still the benchmark?)

#winning

The problem is if we try to improve purely on sporting times and positions we ultimately are forced to accept that unless we win, we lose. So winning becomes everything and inevitably we end up with a sport full of cheats from the top down.  And not many nice people left.

So what does this #winning mean to you?

At the end of last year I did a race series of 6 events. I slowly refined my strategy and technique every week. I mostly lead from the gun (or tried to) and then would get dropped in the last third. This was the fourth race. I was right on target, my target. 500m to go and I was still in the lead. It was working. I was in the zone. I was winning. Then he came past me. My parachute opened and I was done. That Friday afternoon I did the best I could and still got beaten by another athlete. I hope he heard me congratulate him as he disappeared into the distance. I never went back to toe the line. I had been in the zone very briefly but that was enough, in fact I think I had my perfect race and I was super happy with that. I did not hit my target time either but all I had was that feeling and that was enough for me.

Even if I broke the tape I would probably not have a better race so I stopped.

Few understand why I have not been back.

For me it is on to new horizons and hopefully onto new learning.

We forget to compare ourselves only to our former selves and get caught up in trying to outdo our neighbours and not improve. The problem then is that we lose ourselves in other’s agendas.

I am not immune to this and I catch myself trying to keep up with the Jones’ on a daily basis.

The real trick is to work out who I am, where I am and then plot my trajectory from there.

I encourage you to do the same!